Play With Fire and You Are Sure To Get Burned!

This story begins with an on-line profile in which the guy refers to his job as "putting wet stuff on hot stuff".  Maybe the first indication that I should have stayed away?  Ah, but then I wouldn't have a story to write!!  So this particular guy, if you haven't guessed was a fire fighter.  His profile was pretty brief, he discussed loving his job and his life and looking for someone to share his successes with.  He had one picture, which was extremely blurry so I wasn’t quite sure what he looked like. 

We sent a few messages, exchanged numbers and began the compulsory pre-date texting.  I asked him about having Facebook or other pictures and he tells me that he doesn't.  His computer recently crashed and he lost everything.  He does however, send me a picture with his cell phone, but it too is blurry. We talked about getting together, but with my two jobs, work on my own house and a new tenant, things were hectic for me.  He was very understanding, and advised that he was in the middle of a kitchen renovation on his own house and was willing to wait until I had time to meet.

I quickly got to a point where I felt meeting was a necessity, I didn't want to get my hopes up, or start to delude myself about feeling like I knew Fire Fighter, until I actually got to see him in person and feel whether or not we had a connection. I have learned from experience how disappointing it is when you think you know someone or have an idea of who someone is and then you meet and there is no chemistry and they don't translate to being anything like the idea you had.  So we set up a date for the weekend halfway between our respective cities.  And despite discouraging myself from getting my hopes up, I couldn't wait!

The day of the date arrives and he sends me a text saying that he is sick and at the walk in clinic.  So disappointing!!  So somewhat (sadly only somewhat) jokingly, I ask if he needs me to bring him soup.  He doesn't respond to that, messaging me back about something else, and I drop it.  What am I thinking?  This guy could be anyone and I offered to come to his house in a strange city?  We proceed to text all day, and again I start to get frustrated!  I am running out of witty answers, I don't want to invest anymore energy into this, not knowing the outcome.  I relay some of this to him (okay, just the second part) and he tells me that he is actually feeling better and wants me to come over.  I feel the nervous excitement you get when you are about to do something you know is risky, and I agree, provided I can wear my beloved sweats and we can just hang out.

I arrive at his house and see him for the first time, and all I could see was him.  From the first second, I could feel the gravitational pull towards him.  Yes, he was really good looking, but it wasn't just that, there was something about him that made me feel like I just wanted to curl up in his arms and be protected from the world.  I don't know if it was the fact that I had to worst drive ever, and I could finally just relax, or the fact that we were in his house in our comfies just doing normal couple things, but whatever it was, I felt this immediate comfort and sense of safety. 



That's where things start to go downhill.  We begin talking, and although the conversation was easy and flowed so well, right away it was clear that we had nothing in common.  He was a health nut, working out everyday, eating six meals a day and I on the other hand, live off of fast food, Pepsi and cigarettes, not exactly a match made in heaven.  He talked about his idea of a relationship, which seemed to be seeing someone on weekends, and I talked about how when I am in a relationship, I want that person to be part of my life.  How I value things like just coming over at night and sleeping in the same bed together, just for the sake of being close.  We looked at each other and knew, these incompatibilities were going to be issues.  I know that I should just call it what it is, close up shop and go home but I linger.  It starts to get late, and I have a drive back to do, so I tell him I should get going soon.  And then he kisses me!  And that was it, I felt everything, all of the differences just blur.  That is the only way to describe it.  Despite knowing that this was bound to be a high conflict relationship, I didn't care, as long as I could do this on a regular basis.

I left and immediately called my sister and filled her in on the night, her response was grim.  She pointed out that if we had nothing in common, there was little chance this would work.  Further, if we both weren't willing to compromise it would definitely not work, and judging by the fact that he kept bringing up my smoking and eating habits, it didn't seem like that was something he could compromise on.  The next day I talked to the people at work.  More bad news, including comments about how if I insist on dating these “buff model guys”, who live healthy active lifestyles, I need to conform or stop complaining.  I was also told it was a fatal attraction and that I was playing with fire.



Despite all of this, I could not stop myself!  We start talking on the phone every night.  He sends me a text every morning about how beautiful I am and we spend countless hours talking.  Everything is going well. Then one night I call and I he asks me what I told people about him, and I say jokingly, "I told them that I'm not interested, but you are fun to talk to on the phone" and laugh and ask what he said about me.  He says, "I told them I don't know why you keep calling, since I don't want to talk to you".  Then I say, well if you don't want to talk, then I guess I will let you go.  He agrees and hangs up!  I am completely dumbfounded, what the heck?  That is not funny!  I wait for him to call back.....I fall asleep with the phone in my hand.  The next day I don't get my text.  Nothing all day.  Then I start to get mad.  After all, HE hung up on ME.  I was CLEARLY joking.  That night I decide to call him and give him a piece of my mind. 

I dial the number and he answers.  He says he really can't talk right now.  I, being the bigger person, ask if everything is alright.  He says a friend of his has died and he can't talk and I say ok.  But then I feel bad.  I feel like, I want to be the person that he can lean on.  What kind of person would I be if I just let him deal with this alone?  So I text him, and let him know that I want to be there for him.  He says that he doesn't know if he should be around people because he is angry and upset and that he doesn't want to talk about it.  I tell him, that at times like this, there is nothing wrong with having some support, and if he wants, I will be there for him.  I tell him if he needs me, I can come over, we don't even have to talk about it.  He asks me if I would mind, and I tell him I wouldn't.  So I drive to his house at 11:00 at night, and despite everything, I can't wait to be there for him and with him. 

I get there and we don't talk.  We get into his bed and we lie there for a long time (yes, I got into his bed, but I was clear that there would be no hanky panky) and just cuddle.  He holds me tight, and tells me how beautiful I am.  After a bit we talk about unimportant things, and he brings up the other night.  The other night!  I forgot!  So I ask, him what happened?  He tells me, he was waiting for me to call him back and fell asleep with the phone in his hand, and then in the morning found out about his friend.  He caresses my face and then we begin to kiss.  He is gentle and sweet at first, seeming to cover my whole face with sweet kisses, and then things start to heat up.  All I can say, is that I am so glad it was the wrong time of the month, because second date or not, I just wanted to be close to him and with him in every way.  He accepts that I don't want to fool around and looks and me intensely and tells me that he will never push me to do something I don't want to do.  I fall asleep in his arms, nestled against him while he whispers in my ear about how beautiful and sweet I am and how comfortable he feels with me.  He wakes me up in the morning and helps me get ready and off to work.  When I leave the house he stands in the door and waits until I am gone before he looks away.  That day he sends me a text and tells me about his friend, and I think, I have earned his trust, just like he earned mine that night.

I think everything is going well, but things start to change.  He is very vague when I suggest we make plans and doesn't seem to be making the time of day for me.  His texts messages become less frequent and he is inconsistent in responding to mine.  I start to worry.  I feel him slipping away, and yet the more he backs off, the harder it is to stop myself from trying to pull him back in.  Days go by in this fashion, and finally I call him out on it.  I tell him how it feels like he is rejecting me, and how if he is not interested I deserve to know.  He tells me that he feels depressed on not like himself.  He is interested; he just needs some time to get his life in order.  What do I do?  I know what I feel for him, and I don't want to miss out on it, but I can't sit around spending all my days pining for someone who is never going to feel the same way and potentially miss out on someone that can give me the time of day.  I am honest with him, I tell him that he can have the couple weeks, but that I won't wait forever.  But then, he starts texting me again.  Saying he is thinking about me, he wants me, etc.  I ask him why he is doing this to me?  If you want me so badly, then why can't we just be together?  He says he needs time. 

Then one night, he starts texting me saying that he wants me to come over, he wants to hold me, he wants to do other things as well.  And I get pissed!!  He doesn't want me to come over the rest of the time, but now that he's horny, he wants me over?  What the hell?!  I tell him how I feel about that!  And he responds by saying that, it wasn't just about wanting to fool around, that as cheesy at it might sound, he would be happy just being able to hold me.  Of course, by this time, it is ridiculously late, and I am too tired to be able to drive there, how convenient.

A few days later he texts again, saying he wants me to come over.  He says he just wants to hang out, and I of course am thrilled!  He knows sex is not an option, maybe he has made up his mind, or maybe I can remind him of how good we feel together.  I go there, and we watch TV, and cuddle in bed.  Then we start kissing, then one thing leads to another and we end up doing the very thing I said I wouldn’t!  On the THIRD date!  All I can say is that I felt so safe with him, I felt so close, and I felt like he was so focused on me.  It was great, not only because of the chemistry, but because he is one of the few people that I feel comfortable being totally vulnerable with.  I am usually a take charge independent kind of girl, but with him, it was nice to be vulnerable, to feel feminine, and to feel safe and protected.  Afterwards, I need a smoke, and I wait for a comment about how horrible smoking is.  Nothing.  He gets out of bed, carries me downstairs, takes out one of his big fire fighter coats and wraps me in it and comes out with me while I smoke.  We go back to bed and we talk and joke around.  He shows me a funny video someone posted on his Facebook, and I think to myself, didn't he tell me he didn't have Facebook?  So I add him with my cell phone and he says he will accept the request tomorrow.  He sweetly wakes me up in the morning and again watches me in the doorway until I drive away.

And then nothing.  All my hopes that that night had been a confirmation that something was happening between us were out the door.  Again, he didn't return my texts, didn't answer when I called.  Told me he was busy.  And I can't explain how much it hurt.  And I realized that he had never promised me more.  And that if he felt the way I did, he wouldn't be able to do this to me.  So I tell him, I can't do this anymore.  It is constant rejection, and despite how much I like you, I can't spend forever waiting for you to decide you like me too. His response: "OK."  What a jerk!!  So, I get fired up and start writing this message about how he sends mixed signals, telling me how much he likes me and cares about me when I am with him, and then ignoring me and being a prick via text.  But before I get the opportunity to send out my enlightening text on how big of an ass he is, I get another text from him.  It says, "Please stop texting me.".....And as hurt as I was, I had to be strong, and not needy and not give into him and not think that he would protect me.  I deleted the message I had been writing, and never heard from Fire Fighter again....

This disastrous dating adventure is not as funny as the other ones.  And considering that all I had with Fire Fighter was 3 dates that didn’t even involve leaving his house, it is clear that I still struggle with it.  Even writing about the way he made me feel makes me want to call him just to get it back.  But I also think about what I learned from Big Brother, about the fact that I could spend years chasing a guy who will never feel the same and I know that some doors just need to stay closed.  If I am realistic, I know that if I had the opportunity to know Fire Fighter better, I would be more realistic about him and my feelings towards him.  Infatuation does that, makes you idolize someone and despite knowing some of the facts, still care for them in a way that disregards what shortcomings you are aware of.  I’m not sure if I should have fought for the opportunity to see him realistically, but judging how much it still hurts, I’m not sure that I could have kept feeling that hurt and rejection with him any longer. Despite knowing that Fire Fighter was more about the fire than the fight, I still hold out hope that he will rescue me.

Players and Locker Talk

At some point, I am sure we all have an experience with a "player", this specific player, was a football player and here is how I, Desperately Dating, got desperately played.....

It all started with a Facebook friend request,  some random guy who was friends with one of my friends.  So I check out his profile, tons of friends and fans.  Wow, a famous guy wants to add me?  I am moving up in the world!!  After a quick google search, I learn this new potential "friend" is a professional football player.  I decide to play it smooth, so as to not seem in any way impressed by his celebrity status, I send Player a message along the lines of, "Sorry, do I know you?"  and then of course to finish my research I send a message to the mutual friend, "Who is Player, and why is he adding me?".

Her response, he is a good friend of hers and a good guy.  His response, "I just saw your picture and wanted to know you."  Quick, do I just add him?  Does that seem desperate? This is a guy who probably gets lots of female attention, he is famous and hot, a dangerous combination.  I respond by telling him, "Well, you can start by telling me what your story is."  Pretty good right?  And so we begin to message each other, talking about love and life and everything in between. 

And then, BAM!  He tells me that the season is over in a couple of weeks so he will be back to the US of A for four months!  All of a sudden, I feel this pressure to make an impression, to leave something with him that will ensure he doesn't completely disappear from my life and forget about me! 

Quickly, I make plans to meet with him. We meet, and talk for hours. He is smart and funny and despite the fact that people are asking him for his autograph on our date, he seems totally grounded!  He tells me with disdain about women whom he and the other players refer to as "locker talk". About how they are basically groupies who hang around the team and have no respect for themselves.  He talks about his roommate, whom he has had a falling out with and how he can't respect the guys that are into that.  He says goodnight and gives me a hug and makes no further moves, he really is a good guy!

We spend the next two weeks talking, debating, and just enjoying each other.  He messages me constantly and tells me about his hopes, dreams aspirations.  He tells me about his family back home and how they are an inspiration.  He tells me about how he would love for me to meet them, and how he is sure I would get along with them.  How his sister would give me a hard time, but he was positive I could hold my own.  We even talk about sex and our likes and dislikes and he tells me about how important it is to him to please his partner. 

Two weeks flies by and it is the day before he leaves.  I have gone over this in my head over and over again.  Do I sleep with him?  I won't see him again for four months, do I test the waters to see if this is something worth putting in the effort of a long distance relationship?  Plus, is he going to wait around for a relationship that has for the most part been platonic?  I tell myself, you only live once!  Go for it!  So I attempt to seduce Player, by attempt, I succeeded but not before he sweetly says he wants to make sure that I am ready for this, as he feels bad about the idea of doing this and then leaving the country the next day.  I playfully tell him that I am a big girl, I will manage.

Please skip this paragraph if you don't want intimate details of my sex life, it is rated R. 

To be honest, there is not much to tell, he lied on top of me (crushing me!) barely moved and it was over!  You have to please your partner, Puh-Lease!  What kind of athlete can't even work up a sweat!  I left feeling completely unsatisfied and wondering what the heck I was thinking!  I rushed out of there, and to be honest, I think I might have been a teensy bit insensitive.  He asked me to stick around while he got ready to go out and I told him that I would just get in the way and ran for the hills!

I got home and thought some more about it, well sex isn't everything right? To be fair, he was in a hurry to get to a fundraiser, besides, we have great communication, we can work on this!  So the next day I call him, no answer, text him, no answer.  I am in his neighbourhood, why not drop by?  This is my last chance to say goodbye.  I get to the house, and wonder, is this a mistake?  No, he is just upset with me, and I need to give him the "grand gesture".  I knock on the door and Roommate answers, I ask for Player and Roommate opens the door and walks away.  Okay, I guess I will get him myself.  I walk up the stairs to his room and then I hear something.  I pause, and listen.  I can hear the sound of the shower and a woman's laughter.  A WOMAN!!!  He is a Player!  Oh my god!  I am going to be locker talk. No!  I turn around and beeline for the front door and am intercepted my Roommate.  I stammer, "Ummm, I think he has company, I will call him later."  Roommate calls "Player!".  Oh My God!  Please, no, no, no, no!

He comes down the stairs in a towel and does not look happy to see me. I say quickly, "I just was in the neighbourhood and I thought I would say goodbye."  He comes over and gives me a hug, and I quickly chirp, "bye" and take off.  A little while later he sends me a text asking why I left so quickly.  I tell him that I didn't want to interrupt him having a shower with some chick.  He feeds me lines about how she is his best friend, and they have always showered together.  Yes, you read that correctly!  Are you kidding me?!  He tells me that she was disappointed because she really wanted to meet me.  And that little hope, creeps up.  He asks me if I can come back to meet her.  I ask him when, he says right now.  I tell him, okay, I can be there in half an hour.  He then tells me she will be gone by then, how convenient.  He says she will send me a message on Facebook.

To end this horrible experience, I obviously never heard from Shower Girl.  But Player continued to text me every couple of days, the same message "Good morning beautiful."  Most days, I ignored him.  There are those times though when a desperately single girl gets lonely, on those days I would message back.  Often, nothing in response from him.  Sometimes, a conversation would start, but as soon as it got too personal or I requested a phone call: total radio silence. 

Four months passed in this fashion until I got the message, "I am back, can I see you?"  And despite knowing that Player was a player, I agreed.  We made plans, for him to come by the next night.  No texts, no calls, no show.  Big surprise. And finally, I gave up on Player ever being able grow up and stop playing around.

And because no door is every completely closed unless you dry wall over it, the story may not be over.  I somehow was convinced to go to a football game today...

Making an Online Profile

I have been on a few dating sites over the last year of singledomness and here is what I have discovered so far:

1) Your profile is important! Take the time to personalize it! Guys are looking at hundreds of single girls in their area and you are only one among the many. Every girl writes about being family and friend oriented, being active, blah, blah, blah. Add funny comments, jokes, or something that peeks their interest. On one dating site I have this posted:

Whatever you do, I strongly recommend that you do not post scandalous pictures. I have made this mistake, and you attract the wrong kind of guys. Yes, you want people to be interested, but you want them interested in you, not sex. Along the same lines, I would also say that although you want to present the best image of yourself, post pics that actually look like you, the last thing you want to do is meet up with someone and have them disappointed. You want someone who is attracted to YOU.

 

2) The "Juggling Act" is hard! Trying to keep remember every guy and what they have told you is no easy task. Trust me when I strongly recommend that you keep a chart of each guy. Any information that they provided should be jotted down, and when you meet with them, be sure to throw in some of that information to make them feel like you have been listening and are interested. I have also found that coming up with nicknames is very helpful. When you are dating multiple guys, it is hard for your friends to keep them all straight, so the nicknames make conversing about them much easier. For example, one of my current array of boys is a fire fighter, therefore he is referred to as the Fire Fighter, simple!

3) Keeping conversation going online is an art! I always recommend that you ensure that each message has a few questions in it. This makes the conversation flow, and makes things easier for the guy, as he doesn't have to come up with a whole new conversation after every message. Please do not send messages like "how are you?". So lame! Some guys may not mind, but I can tell you that when I get those messages, unless a guy has an amazing profile (and by amazing profile, I mean body!), I don't bother responding. I want to know that a guy took the time to get to know me and is genuinely interested, not just sending of generic messages to every person he sees. Look at a guys profile and take the time to come up with questions specific to them, you get much better results. If he talks about having tattoos, ask him what he has? If he likes long walks on the beach with his dog, what kind of dog does he have? Which beach does he go to? In some circumstances, guys have next to nothing on their profile, in those cases, I usually attempt to be playful by sending a message that says something along the lines of "I just checked out your profile and am interested, but I have to tell you that your profile sucks :P. What should I know about you?". It may seem a little harsh or immature, but I have so far found that pretty successful.

4) Do NOT prolong online communication. I would definitely caution people to not spend a long time talking to guys online. Everyone loses interest after awhile, and you want to leave something to talk about in person. Also, I guy may sound great via text (when he has the time to think about his answers first) or even on the phone, and be completely different in person. A sexy voice does not equal chemistry in person. Neither does having things in common for that matter! You can talk until you are blue in the face and find that a person seems completely different in person, you are not attracted to them, or that you have somehow talked your way into the friend zone. Be smart ladies, get to know the important basics and move forward. I can also tell you from the experiences of my friends and my own, that sometimes the people who you have the least entertaining electronic communication with, can end up being the most interesting date. So remember, you can only find out a small part of whether or not you are compatible with someone electronically.

4) The transition from online dating to dating in person can be rocky. Especially if you spend too much time talking online! You get to think that you know someone, but in reality, you are just meeting for the first time, so all that comfort that you had with someone over the phone, e-mail or texting, will be gone when you change the situation to a live setting. As I said before, get to know the basics and then request a meeting. Please learn from my mistakes, and do not plan a date that will take all day! If you are not feeling it when you meet in person you do not want to waste their time or yours. I know people really want to be creative when planning a first date, but I believe that the first date should just be a brief encounter to see how things translate in person. I am a firm believer in the coffee date. It can be as short as you want, it is in a public place and can usually be a great setting to talk. If things go great during that date, then suggest taking things to another setting or suggest next time you do something more fun.

5) Follow-up after the first date. I'm sure all of your friends will convince you to wait for him to contact you or wait so many hours, etc. Ignore them!! All that does is lead to you constantly checking your e-mails, messages or phone and getting anxious waiting to hear back. If you are nervous, he probably is too! I generally send a quick text an hour or so after a date letting the guy know how I feel. Something as simple as, "I really had a good time, we should get together again soon." If the guy is turned off by you being interested, how will you ever date him? And if he isn't feeling it, than you need to know! You don't want to waste timing worrying and pining over someone who may never call. Send out feelers, give him some reassurance and see where it goes from there. If he is not interested, chances are he won't respond or he will tell you. Remember, tons of guys at your finger tips, don't waste time on one that isn't interested. However, if he had a good time too, then he will probably respond, and you will have saved both of you from the horrible waiting game.

Good Luck!

Online Dating

As you know by now, I, Desperately Dating, have embarked on a journey that will hopefully lead to a new pseudo name.  In fact, recently I was asked, how I will continue this blog once I am in a committed relationship.  Committed relationships still have ups and downs and interesting topics that we can all relate to.  But in the meantime, I am still looking for someone worthwhile.  This brings me to the topic of today's blog: Online Dating.

Without revealing too much, I am a single, professional, twenty-some year old with two jobs, a house and a ton of responsibilities.  Finding time to date is no easy feat.  Plus, having had little success and enjoyment out of picking up guys at the bar, I have had to find other means of meeting guys.  So I plunged into the wonderful and increasingly popular world of online dating.  Multiple men at your fingertips, what more could a girl ask for?

Online dating has many amazing advantages, the major one being that you can find out a lot about a guy that you would not be able to in a loud bar.  For example, I ALWAYS read through a guy's profile.  Did he put time and effort into it?  In other words, is he serious about putting time and effort into meeting the right girl?  Is it full of spelling and grammatical errors?  Again, is he putting that effort in, and is he intelligent?  Does he drink and party too much?  If every picture sports him holding a drink, looking drunk or doing drugs, it may be an indication that he is not quite where I am in life.  Personally, I am also not impressed when guys put "drinking" or "beer" as their interests.  Is he good looking?  Physical attraction is an important part of any relationship.  Do we have interests in common?  Most dating sites have an area dedicated to interests.  What does he do?  Some sites even have a space for income or attempt to match you with guys with similar incomes.

Further, online dating can be a great way to meet people with limited time.  There are no peak hours, you don't have to get all dressed up and stay out until the middle of the night.  You don't have to pay cover charges, cab fares, or for drinks.  You can message people at any time of the day or night and you only need a couple of minutes for each guy.  Also, you can talk to multiple guys at once.

As with everything in life, there are disadvantages as well.  Most dating sites, especially free ones, do nothing to ensure that people are being honest and truthful about what they write in their profile.  I have had several experiences where people have posted fake or outdated pictures, or have turned out to be "between jobs".  Also, your profile must be catchy, because the guys also have many women at their finger tips and if you don't stand out, you often don't get the opportunity to make a second impression.

Any form of dating has it's up and downs.  However, if you are like me, and really looking to meet someone, I would definitely say this is worth a try!  So far I have tried three sites (for research of course!).  And here are my thoughts:

Pros: 
-E-Harmony does the work for you.  You fill out a questionnaire and based on your answers, you are matched with people in your area.  It is nice to know that you are already somewhat compatible with the people you are talking to (for example, religious values, ethics, morals, income, etc.).
-The guided communication is great because you do not have to work so hard at keeping the conversation going, they provide the questions to send back and forth.

Cons: 
-I personally, did not find that there were a lot of matches for me.  After talking to the staff, it would seem that there were not a lot of younger men in my income range (this may be because a lot of young men are just starting their careers, making little and may not yet be serious enough about dating to pay for E-Harmony). 
-It costs around $20/mth and they automatically keep renewing your account, unless you call to cancel it regardless of how long you signed up for. 
-As I said, I was not getting very many matches, and unlike other sites where you can actively look for people, with E-Harmony, you wait for your matches, so it is not very interactive if you are really motivated to meet people. 
-The guided communication takes a long time, which can lead to one or both parties loosing interest by the time you reach open communication.

Pros:
-There are tons of people on this site, and you can spend as much time as you want surfing through their various profiles to find someone for you.  This can be entertaining! 
-They also now have Instant Messaging, which can really jump start communication, it is much more instantly gratifying than waiting for someone to e-mail you back, and you aren't forced to give out your e-mail address, facebook information or cell number to have more instant communication. 
-This website is completely free, which is always good when you are trying to save money! 
-You can really limit who can message you.  For example, you can put your settings to only allow people with pictures, who are single, who are a certain age and within a certain area to message you.
-You can see when people have read your messages (and deleted them), and who has viewed your profile.

Cons: 
-People can see when you are online.
-Anyone can attempt to instant message you. 
-The pictures are often very hard to see, and there is no way to make them bigger. 
-I have yet to discover a way to block people, so when someone sends a message that turns you off, they can keep sending messages and know when you are online.

Pros: 
-Again, this site is free. 
-This site also offers instant messaging which can be great. 
-The site has a questionnaire and provides statistics on how compatible you are with every person you look at.  Further, you can see what your interests answered in the questionnaire and see what you agreed and disagreed with. 
-You can see who is online and when they were last online. 
-When you are online, you get a message indicating when someone checks out your profile. 
-Profiles have small thumbnail pictures AND a page you can go to to see the pictures blown up.

Cons: 
-People can see when you are online and when you have looked at their profiles if you are online. 
-The instant message box doesn't work properly (at least on my comp) as it moves to the beginning of the conversation every time someone writes something (very annoying). 
-Anyone can instant message you. 
-The questionnaire was extremely invasive and everyone can see your answers (you can chose to skip questions or hide your answers, but if you do, then you are not matched on that answer).  Many of the questions make sense, but they encourage users to make questions and it is unclear on whether or not they filter these questions.  For example, I was asked if I had tasted semen!  I don't know about you, but that is not something I want to share with the world.


Hopefully, this gives you some insight into the wonderful world of online dating.  Happy fishing!

Big Brother and the Rubber Band Theory Cont'd

I am sure you are all avidly awaiting the conclusion of my last blog (and by all of you, I mean the whole 3 of you who know about this dirty little secret of mine).

Let's recap:
I'm madly infatuated with someone whom we refer to as Big Brother.  But Big Brother, has been back and forth like a rubber band in terms of his interest in me, poor Desperately Dating.  And I, being a very forward person, went to see Big Brother tonight in a grand confrontation that would potentially lead to Big Brother admitting his undying love to me.  So what happened?  Let's start at the beginning...

I show up at Big Brother's apartment, with the intent on reminding him how amazing I am.  And I should mention that today is his birthday, so of course he must know that somewhere deep down inside, or why else would he chose to spend it with me?  The night begins with playful banter, and subtle flirting.  In order to show him my interest, I, of course, include long lustful stares deep into his eyes.  At which point he asks me, in a true Romeo fashion, "what's up?".  So I tell him that I am just trying to figure him out.  And then I ask him, the dreaded and yet anticipated question, "why did you invite me over tonight?".  He responds with a sexy eyebrow raise, a knowing look and, "to have some fun."  Okay, not what I was hoping to hear.  Well, maybe there is nothing wrong with that, maybe there is more, maybe I need to remind him that there is more. 

Next, onto the futon, where he gives me a back massage and things start to get a little steamy.  Have I mentioned that he is ridiculously hot and "a little steamy" is an understatement?  Before things get too far I stop him and boldly announce that I want more than just fun.  He stops, and then enquires what that means.  On a roll at this point I plunge ahead, I tell him that I want a relationship, that I deserve a guy who wants more than just sex, that I deserve to be courted and dated.  At which point he claims, get this, that I am trying to change him!  Again, not what I was hoping for.  In a vain attempt to keep him, I tell him that I can't do this anymore!  The truth is I don't mean it, but that little voice of hope inside me says that perhaps if he realises he is going to lose me he will fight for me. 

Instead of fighting, he simply asks me why.  Quick!  I try to come up with something, I blurt out "Because this is a crutch, you are a crutch, as long as I have this, then I won't seriously focus on finding a real relationship.  And since this is not leading towards that, I have to move on."  Wow, once it was out there, I realised it was true....How can I give other guys a chance when I always have this little hope inside me that Big Brother will finally really see me?  I continue to tell him that this is the last time I will see him.  And I know somewhere inside that it's true, he's never going to change.  If he felt the way I did, he would have stepped up a long time ago.  Yes, he does keep coming back to me, but hey, if I was a guy, I would too!  Guaranteed sex is a pretty good motivator to send off a quick text message.

I would love to say that I promptly digested all this information and stormed out in a grand theatrical exit.  But, to be honest, it just goes downhill from here.  We lie there for a little while, and then he cuddles me, and then again the playful fun and flirting starts.  And I convince myself, that I have to give this one last shot.  It doesn't help that Big Brother is no longer trying to engage me in sex, it makes me think, "Look!  He does like my company!".  I say to him, "See!  This is the best part of a relationship, just being here and doing this.  How could you not want this?"  No response. But his actions speak so much louder than his lack of words as he gently caresses my body, plants tons of soft kisses all over my face and squeezes me tight into his embrace.  Ignoring his words, I do the unthinkable!  I engage him in sex!  I know it's pathetic, but these voices in my head told me: this is it.  This is my last chance to be with him, and my last chance to win him over. 

I would love to say it was a horrible experience, but it was amazing.  Of course it was!  And afterwards, I made a point of sticking around, and even pointed out that I could hang.  He looked at me confused.  I reminded him that he had given me a hard time about leaving as soon as we were intimate.  Then he looked at me with those stunning blue eyes and said, "I wasn't giving you a hard time, I was just commenting.  To be honest, I could care less if you stay or go." It wasn't said in a mean way, it was just the brutal truth.  And if I am honest, he never did give me any false promises at any time in our on-and-off-again affair.  With that, it was time for me to ride off into...well, not the sunset, the dark Hamilton streets. 

He insisted on walking me out and as I got into my car, he said, "I'll talk to you soon."  YES, HE SAID THAT!!  Did he hear anything I said?

So here I am, still Desperately Dating and Desperately Depressed.  Hopefully, I am at least a little wiser.  Big Brother taught me two things:

1)  If a guy is into you, he will let you know.  Otherwise, we need to stop holding out hope, because in most cases, they will never come around.

2)  Having a friend with benefits, ends up in someone being hurt.  Plus, if you are serious about finding the right person for you, you have to put true effort into it, and you won't be able to do that when you are having your needs met by someone else and are distracted by someone else.

Big Brother and The Rubber Band Theory

The Rubber Band Theory is the idea that when one person in a relationship pulls back, the other person naturally is further pulled in.

Take Big Brother for instance, a guy that for the longest time due to circumstances (and not because of any incestuous ones!), was not a romantic option, you know, the "forbidden fruit". This of course, led to me wanting him quietly for years. Which of course led to an infatuation; he was that holy grail forever out of my reach, that person who I would fantasize about actually taking the time to notice I exist and being willing to put everything on the line in that one grand gesture....well of course that didn't happen! However, he did initiate contact some months back, and here is how it all played out....

First we begin texting, to which I tell myself, "Desperately Dating, whatever you do, do not get attached! He will never make that gesture, he will never see you the same way you see him, if he could, he would have 10 years ago! Further, you do not compare with the perfect blondes he occasionally dates, and he has always been a player! You are not the exception to the rule, there are no exceptions!".

Then, I think, well maybe I just need to see all those valid points to believe them. So I reason, I will entertain this, but I will NOT put my heart out there, I will NOT be that drooling ridiculous girl I was 10 years ago and I will ABSOLUTELY NOT have any higher expectations then maybe a fun time, if you know what I mean.

So then the dance begins. I come to his house, I tell myself that I am a modern woman who does not need a man, but can use one at her leisure, after all, that's all he wants me for right? But the small voice in my heart of hearts says, maybe he does want more, maybe he will see how different I am and all that I have to offer. To keep this story classy, I will summarise by saying....we used each other?

Afterwards, I panic! I don't want him to think I am needy, I don't want him to pretend he cares, and I don't want to be stuck with this memory as having ended in the awkward moment after (you know, to cuddle or not? Keep it casual or not? Does he want me here? Should I leave?). So I immediately grab the shreds of my clothes and dignity and beeline out of there! If I am honest, I just didn't want the evidence that I wasn't that special girl for him, that every time he gave me "the look" all those years ago, it was just something to do rather than the same yearning that I had, that during our party years those few make-out sessions where not just drunken revelry but hidden emotion.

I convinced myself afterwards that he would not call me, so not to expect it and not to let him break my heart.  But wait a minute! He initiates contact again! So I get excited! He must feel something! He got what most guys wanted, and he still wants more. Maybe he wants the whole deal? So I begin to engage in this back and forth and enthusiastically text him, but then! He slows things down. Doesn't respond to every text, seems vague about making plans. And I am crushed!! Why did I get my hopes up?! I know better!

Here is where the cycle begins, the cycle referred to by many as the "Rubber Band Theory." You see, after making the crucial mistake of being too available for Big Brother, I withdraw, to protect the pieces of my heart. Then, Big Brother, feeling my disengagement, comes on stronger, comments about how I am always in a rush to leave after, well, you know what. Then I decide, I don't want to leave if he wants me there, so I stick around. Awkward! He doesn't seem to want me there? Then why did he comment?! I disengage again, keep things purely sexual. Then, I get text asking me why we never go on any real dates. Real dates? He wants to date me?! YES!!! Casually I respond, "sure we could do that, what did you have in mind?" To which he says he wants to take me out to get some ice skates and go skating (Big Brother is a hockey player) Thursday, he will call me. Big Brother, wants to show me a part of him, his special part, he wants to open up to me!! Yes, I am totally up for that!! And........nothing! no call!  No return texts! The dogs and I sitting alone in the house Thursday night picking up the pieces...

Then every so often I get a little feeler from Big Brother. You know, the "are you still my bitch? Oh yeah. Okay, I'll keep you on the sidelines until I am desperate."

What is a girl to do? Turn him down when all the movies have us convinced that one day he will wake up and realise the girl of his dreams has been there tho whole time? Give up all hope and move on? You do that, and due to the lovely "Rubber Band Theory", he comes back and gives you that little shred of hope that keeps you up nights fantasizing about the day you get your happy ending.

Well stay tuned to find out what happens on tonight's episode of "The Disasterous Dating life of Desperately Dating" when I go to his house and just outright ask him, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?" This should prove to be the source of many great jokes and stories. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned? Maybe some insight into boys that I can pass on to you, my poor friends, forced to remember names like Big Brother...

Wish me luck!