Take Big Brother for instance, a guy that for the longest time due to circumstances (and not because of any incestuous ones!), was not a romantic option, you know, the "forbidden fruit". This of course, led to me wanting him quietly for years. Which of course led to an infatuation; he was that holy grail forever out of my reach, that person who I would fantasize about actually taking the time to notice I exist and being willing to put everything on the line in that one grand gesture....well of course that didn't happen! However, he did initiate contact some months back, and here is how it all played out....
First we begin texting, to which I tell myself, "Desperately Dating, whatever you do, do not get attached! He will never make that gesture, he will never see you the same way you see him, if he could, he would have 10 years ago! Further, you do not compare with the perfect blondes he occasionally dates, and he has always been a player! You are not the exception to the rule, there are no exceptions!".
Then, I think, well maybe I just need to see all those valid points to believe them. So I reason, I will entertain this, but I will NOT put my heart out there, I will NOT be that drooling ridiculous girl I was 10 years ago and I will ABSOLUTELY NOT have any higher expectations then maybe a fun time, if you know what I mean.
So then the dance begins. I come to his house, I tell myself that I am a modern woman who does not need a man, but can use one at her leisure, after all, that's all he wants me for right? But the small voice in my heart of hearts says, maybe he does want more, maybe he will see how different I am and all that I have to offer. To keep this story classy, I will summarise by saying....we used each other?
Afterwards, I panic! I don't want him to think I am needy, I don't want him to pretend he cares, and I don't want to be stuck with this memory as having ended in the awkward moment after (you know, to cuddle or not? Keep it casual or not? Does he want me here? Should I leave?). So I immediately grab the shreds of my clothes and dignity and beeline out of there! If I am honest, I just didn't want the evidence that I wasn't that special girl for him, that every time he gave me "the look" all those years ago, it was just something to do rather than the same yearning that I had, that during our party years those few make-out sessions where not just drunken revelry but hidden emotion.
I convinced myself afterwards that he would not call me, so not to expect it and not to let him break my heart. But wait a minute! He initiates contact again! So I get excited! He must feel something! He got what most guys wanted, and he still wants more. Maybe he wants the whole deal? So I begin to engage in this back and forth and enthusiastically text him, but then! He slows things down. Doesn't respond to every text, seems vague about making plans. And I am crushed!! Why did I get my hopes up?! I know better!
Here is where the cycle begins, the cycle referred to by many as the "Rubber Band Theory." You see, after making the crucial mistake of being too available for Big Brother, I withdraw, to protect the pieces of my heart. Then, Big Brother, feeling my disengagement, comes on stronger, comments about how I am always in a rush to leave after, well, you know what. Then I decide, I don't want to leave if he wants me there, so I stick around. Awkward! He doesn't seem to want me there? Then why did he comment?! I disengage again, keep things purely sexual. Then, I get text asking me why we never go on any real dates. Real dates? He wants to date me?! YES!!! Casually I respond, "sure we could do that, what did you have in mind?" To which he says he wants to take me out to get some ice skates and go skating (Big Brother is a hockey player) Thursday, he will call me. Big Brother, wants to show me a part of him, his special part, he wants to open up to me!! Yes, I am totally up for that!! And........nothing! no call! No return texts! The dogs and I sitting alone in the house Thursday night picking up the pieces...
Then every so often I get a little feeler from Big Brother. You know, the "are you still my bitch? Oh yeah. Okay, I'll keep you on the sidelines until I am desperate."
What is a girl to do? Turn him down when all the movies have us convinced that one day he will wake up and realise the girl of his dreams has been there tho whole time? Give up all hope and move on? You do that, and due to the lovely "Rubber Band Theory", he comes back and gives you that little shred of hope that keeps you up nights fantasizing about the day you get your happy ending.
Well stay tuned to find out what happens on tonight's episode of "The Disasterous Dating life of Desperately Dating" when I go to his house and just outright ask him, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?" This should prove to be the source of many great jokes and stories. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned? Maybe some insight into boys that I can pass on to you, my poor friends, forced to remember names like Big Brother...
Wish me luck!
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