This story begins with an on-line profile in which the guy refers to his job as "putting wet stuff on hot stuff". Maybe the first indication that I should have stayed away? Ah, but then I wouldn't have a story to write!! So this particular guy, if you haven't guessed was a fire fighter. His profile was pretty brief, he discussed loving his job and his life and looking for someone to share his successes with. He had one picture, which was extremely blurry so I wasn’t quite sure what he looked like.
We sent a few messages, exchanged numbers and began the compulsory pre-date texting. I asked him about having Facebook or other pictures and he tells me that he doesn't. His computer recently crashed and he lost everything. He does however, send me a picture with his cell phone, but it too is blurry. We talked about getting together, but with my two jobs, work on my own house and a new tenant, things were hectic for me. He was very understanding, and advised that he was in the middle of a kitchen renovation on his own house and was willing to wait until I had time to meet.
I quickly got to a point where I felt meeting was a necessity, I didn't want to get my hopes up, or start to delude myself about feeling like I knew Fire Fighter, until I actually got to see him in person and feel whether or not we had a connection. I have learned from experience how disappointing it is when you think you know someone or have an idea of who someone is and then you meet and there is no chemistry and they don't translate to being anything like the idea you had. So we set up a date for the weekend halfway between our respective cities. And despite discouraging myself from getting my hopes up, I couldn't wait!
The day of the date arrives and he sends me a text saying that he is sick and at the walk in clinic. So disappointing!! So somewhat (sadly only somewhat) jokingly, I ask if he needs me to bring him soup. He doesn't respond to that, messaging me back about something else, and I drop it. What am I thinking? This guy could be anyone and I offered to come to his house in a strange city? We proceed to text all day, and again I start to get frustrated! I am running out of witty answers, I don't want to invest anymore energy into this, not knowing the outcome. I relay some of this to him (okay, just the second part) and he tells me that he is actually feeling better and wants me to come over. I feel the nervous excitement you get when you are about to do something you know is risky, and I agree, provided I can wear my beloved sweats and we can just hang out.
I arrive at his house and see him for the first time, and all I could see was him. From the first second, I could feel the gravitational pull towards him. Yes, he was really good looking, but it wasn't just that, there was something about him that made me feel like I just wanted to curl up in his arms and be protected from the world. I don't know if it was the fact that I had to worst drive ever, and I could finally just relax, or the fact that we were in his house in our comfies just doing normal couple things, but whatever it was, I felt this immediate comfort and sense of safety.
That's where things start to go downhill. We begin talking, and although the conversation was easy and flowed so well, right away it was clear that we had nothing in common. He was a health nut, working out everyday, eating six meals a day and I on the other hand, live off of fast food, Pepsi and cigarettes, not exactly a match made in heaven. He talked about his idea of a relationship, which seemed to be seeing someone on weekends, and I talked about how when I am in a relationship, I want that person to be part of my life. How I value things like just coming over at night and sleeping in the same bed together, just for the sake of being close. We looked at each other and knew, these incompatibilities were going to be issues. I know that I should just call it what it is, close up shop and go home but I linger. It starts to get late, and I have a drive back to do, so I tell him I should get going soon. And then he kisses me! And that was it, I felt everything, all of the differences just blur. That is the only way to describe it. Despite knowing that this was bound to be a high conflict relationship, I didn't care, as long as I could do this on a regular basis.
I left and immediately called my sister and filled her in on the night, her response was grim. She pointed out that if we had nothing in common, there was little chance this would work. Further, if we both weren't willing to compromise it would definitely not work, and judging by the fact that he kept bringing up my smoking and eating habits, it didn't seem like that was something he could compromise on. The next day I talked to the people at work. More bad news, including comments about how if I insist on dating these “buff model guys”, who live healthy active lifestyles, I need to conform or stop complaining. I was also told it was a fatal attraction and that I was playing with fire.
Despite all of this, I could not stop myself! We start talking on the phone every night. He sends me a text every morning about how beautiful I am and we spend countless hours talking. Everything is going well. Then one night I call and I he asks me what I told people about him, and I say jokingly, "I told them that I'm not interested, but you are fun to talk to on the phone" and laugh and ask what he said about me. He says, "I told them I don't know why you keep calling, since I don't want to talk to you". Then I say, well if you don't want to talk, then I guess I will let you go. He agrees and hangs up! I am completely dumbfounded, what the heck? That is not funny! I wait for him to call back.....I fall asleep with the phone in my hand. The next day I don't get my text. Nothing all day. Then I start to get mad. After all, HE hung up on ME. I was CLEARLY joking. That night I decide to call him and give him a piece of my mind.
I dial the number and he answers. He says he really can't talk right now. I, being the bigger person, ask if everything is alright. He says a friend of his has died and he can't talk and I say ok. But then I feel bad. I feel like, I want to be the person that he can lean on. What kind of person would I be if I just let him deal with this alone? So I text him, and let him know that I want to be there for him. He says that he doesn't know if he should be around people because he is angry and upset and that he doesn't want to talk about it. I tell him, that at times like this, there is nothing wrong with having some support, and if he wants, I will be there for him. I tell him if he needs me, I can come over, we don't even have to talk about it. He asks me if I would mind, and I tell him I wouldn't. So I drive to his house at 11:00 at night, and despite everything, I can't wait to be there for him and with him.
I get there and we don't talk. We get into his bed and we lie there for a long time (yes, I got into his bed, but I was clear that there would be no hanky panky) and just cuddle. He holds me tight, and tells me how beautiful I am. After a bit we talk about unimportant things, and he brings up the other night. The other night! I forgot! So I ask, him what happened? He tells me, he was waiting for me to call him back and fell asleep with the phone in his hand, and then in the morning found out about his friend. He caresses my face and then we begin to kiss. He is gentle and sweet at first, seeming to cover my whole face with sweet kisses, and then things start to heat up. All I can say, is that I am so glad it was the wrong time of the month, because second date or not, I just wanted to be close to him and with him in every way. He accepts that I don't want to fool around and looks and me intensely and tells me that he will never push me to do something I don't want to do. I fall asleep in his arms, nestled against him while he whispers in my ear about how beautiful and sweet I am and how comfortable he feels with me. He wakes me up in the morning and helps me get ready and off to work. When I leave the house he stands in the door and waits until I am gone before he looks away. That day he sends me a text and tells me about his friend, and I think, I have earned his trust, just like he earned mine that night.
I think everything is going well, but things start to change. He is very vague when I suggest we make plans and doesn't seem to be making the time of day for me. His texts messages become less frequent and he is inconsistent in responding to mine. I start to worry. I feel him slipping away, and yet the more he backs off, the harder it is to stop myself from trying to pull him back in. Days go by in this fashion, and finally I call him out on it. I tell him how it feels like he is rejecting me, and how if he is not interested I deserve to know. He tells me that he feels depressed on not like himself. He is interested; he just needs some time to get his life in order. What do I do? I know what I feel for him, and I don't want to miss out on it, but I can't sit around spending all my days pining for someone who is never going to feel the same way and potentially miss out on someone that can give me the time of day. I am honest with him, I tell him that he can have the couple weeks, but that I won't wait forever. But then, he starts texting me again. Saying he is thinking about me, he wants me, etc. I ask him why he is doing this to me? If you want me so badly, then why can't we just be together? He says he needs time.
Then one night, he starts texting me saying that he wants me to come over, he wants to hold me, he wants to do other things as well. And I get pissed!! He doesn't want me to come over the rest of the time, but now that he's horny, he wants me over? What the hell?! I tell him how I feel about that! And he responds by saying that, it wasn't just about wanting to fool around, that as cheesy at it might sound, he would be happy just being able to hold me. Of course, by this time, it is ridiculously late, and I am too tired to be able to drive there, how convenient.
A few days later he texts again, saying he wants me to come over. He says he just wants to hang out, and I of course am thrilled! He knows sex is not an option, maybe he has made up his mind, or maybe I can remind him of how good we feel together. I go there, and we watch TV, and cuddle in bed. Then we start kissing, then one thing leads to another and we end up doing the very thing I said I wouldn’t! On the THIRD date! All I can say is that I felt so safe with him, I felt so close, and I felt like he was so focused on me. It was great, not only because of the chemistry, but because he is one of the few people that I feel comfortable being totally vulnerable with. I am usually a take charge independent kind of girl, but with him, it was nice to be vulnerable, to feel feminine, and to feel safe and protected. Afterwards, I need a smoke, and I wait for a comment about how horrible smoking is. Nothing. He gets out of bed, carries me downstairs, takes out one of his big fire fighter coats and wraps me in it and comes out with me while I smoke. We go back to bed and we talk and joke around. He shows me a funny video someone posted on his Facebook, and I think to myself, didn't he tell me he didn't have Facebook? So I add him with my cell phone and he says he will accept the request tomorrow. He sweetly wakes me up in the morning and again watches me in the doorway until I drive away.
And then nothing. All my hopes that that night had been a confirmation that something was happening between us were out the door. Again, he didn't return my texts, didn't answer when I called. Told me he was busy. And I can't explain how much it hurt. And I realized that he had never promised me more. And that if he felt the way I did, he wouldn't be able to do this to me. So I tell him, I can't do this anymore. It is constant rejection, and despite how much I like you, I can't spend forever waiting for you to decide you like me too. His response: "OK." What a jerk!! So, I get fired up and start writing this message about how he sends mixed signals, telling me how much he likes me and cares about me when I am with him, and then ignoring me and being a prick via text. But before I get the opportunity to send out my enlightening text on how big of an ass he is, I get another text from him. It says, "Please stop texting me.".....And as hurt as I was, I had to be strong, and not needy and not give into him and not think that he would protect me. I deleted the message I had been writing, and never heard from Fire Fighter again....
This disastrous dating adventure is not as funny as the other ones. And considering that all I had with Fire Fighter was 3 dates that didn’t even involve leaving his house, it is clear that I still struggle with it. Even writing about the way he made me feel makes me want to call him just to get it back. But I also think about what I learned from Big Brother, about the fact that I could spend years chasing a guy who will never feel the same and I know that some doors just need to stay closed. If I am realistic, I know that if I had the opportunity to know Fire Fighter better, I would be more realistic about him and my feelings towards him. Infatuation does that, makes you idolize someone and despite knowing some of the facts, still care for them in a way that disregards what shortcomings you are aware of. I’m not sure if I should have fought for the opportunity to see him realistically, but judging how much it still hurts, I’m not sure that I could have kept feeling that hurt and rejection with him any longer. Despite knowing that Fire Fighter was more about the fire than the fight, I still hold out hope that he will rescue me.
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