Big Brother and the Rubber Band Theory Cont'd

I am sure you are all avidly awaiting the conclusion of my last blog (and by all of you, I mean the whole 3 of you who know about this dirty little secret of mine).

Let's recap:
I'm madly infatuated with someone whom we refer to as Big Brother.  But Big Brother, has been back and forth like a rubber band in terms of his interest in me, poor Desperately Dating.  And I, being a very forward person, went to see Big Brother tonight in a grand confrontation that would potentially lead to Big Brother admitting his undying love to me.  So what happened?  Let's start at the beginning...

I show up at Big Brother's apartment, with the intent on reminding him how amazing I am.  And I should mention that today is his birthday, so of course he must know that somewhere deep down inside, or why else would he chose to spend it with me?  The night begins with playful banter, and subtle flirting.  In order to show him my interest, I, of course, include long lustful stares deep into his eyes.  At which point he asks me, in a true Romeo fashion, "what's up?".  So I tell him that I am just trying to figure him out.  And then I ask him, the dreaded and yet anticipated question, "why did you invite me over tonight?".  He responds with a sexy eyebrow raise, a knowing look and, "to have some fun."  Okay, not what I was hoping to hear.  Well, maybe there is nothing wrong with that, maybe there is more, maybe I need to remind him that there is more. 

Next, onto the futon, where he gives me a back massage and things start to get a little steamy.  Have I mentioned that he is ridiculously hot and "a little steamy" is an understatement?  Before things get too far I stop him and boldly announce that I want more than just fun.  He stops, and then enquires what that means.  On a roll at this point I plunge ahead, I tell him that I want a relationship, that I deserve a guy who wants more than just sex, that I deserve to be courted and dated.  At which point he claims, get this, that I am trying to change him!  Again, not what I was hoping for.  In a vain attempt to keep him, I tell him that I can't do this anymore!  The truth is I don't mean it, but that little voice of hope inside me says that perhaps if he realises he is going to lose me he will fight for me. 

Instead of fighting, he simply asks me why.  Quick!  I try to come up with something, I blurt out "Because this is a crutch, you are a crutch, as long as I have this, then I won't seriously focus on finding a real relationship.  And since this is not leading towards that, I have to move on."  Wow, once it was out there, I realised it was true....How can I give other guys a chance when I always have this little hope inside me that Big Brother will finally really see me?  I continue to tell him that this is the last time I will see him.  And I know somewhere inside that it's true, he's never going to change.  If he felt the way I did, he would have stepped up a long time ago.  Yes, he does keep coming back to me, but hey, if I was a guy, I would too!  Guaranteed sex is a pretty good motivator to send off a quick text message.

I would love to say that I promptly digested all this information and stormed out in a grand theatrical exit.  But, to be honest, it just goes downhill from here.  We lie there for a little while, and then he cuddles me, and then again the playful fun and flirting starts.  And I convince myself, that I have to give this one last shot.  It doesn't help that Big Brother is no longer trying to engage me in sex, it makes me think, "Look!  He does like my company!".  I say to him, "See!  This is the best part of a relationship, just being here and doing this.  How could you not want this?"  No response. But his actions speak so much louder than his lack of words as he gently caresses my body, plants tons of soft kisses all over my face and squeezes me tight into his embrace.  Ignoring his words, I do the unthinkable!  I engage him in sex!  I know it's pathetic, but these voices in my head told me: this is it.  This is my last chance to be with him, and my last chance to win him over. 

I would love to say it was a horrible experience, but it was amazing.  Of course it was!  And afterwards, I made a point of sticking around, and even pointed out that I could hang.  He looked at me confused.  I reminded him that he had given me a hard time about leaving as soon as we were intimate.  Then he looked at me with those stunning blue eyes and said, "I wasn't giving you a hard time, I was just commenting.  To be honest, I could care less if you stay or go." It wasn't said in a mean way, it was just the brutal truth.  And if I am honest, he never did give me any false promises at any time in our on-and-off-again affair.  With that, it was time for me to ride off into...well, not the sunset, the dark Hamilton streets. 

He insisted on walking me out and as I got into my car, he said, "I'll talk to you soon."  YES, HE SAID THAT!!  Did he hear anything I said?

So here I am, still Desperately Dating and Desperately Depressed.  Hopefully, I am at least a little wiser.  Big Brother taught me two things:

1)  If a guy is into you, he will let you know.  Otherwise, we need to stop holding out hope, because in most cases, they will never come around.

2)  Having a friend with benefits, ends up in someone being hurt.  Plus, if you are serious about finding the right person for you, you have to put true effort into it, and you won't be able to do that when you are having your needs met by someone else and are distracted by someone else.